Feeling

I have been taking anti depressants since the winter of 2009. I have decided that being that I am at a better place in my life, I would like to get off them. Mind you, no one told me that antidepressants have an addictive quality. I tried getting off the meds several times before this attempt only to find out that I couldn't just get off them. I tried the cold-turkey method only to find myself feeling dizzy a lot of the time and getting sensations of jolts through my body. Needless to say, this didn't work out very well because it interfered with my daily life.

Being that getting off cold-turkey didn't work out so well, I am tapering off the medications. For the first time in several years I am able to feel emotions again. Zoloft, the anti-depressants I was taking, had subdued my emotions. Yes, I still had them and felt them, but they were almost drone like now looking back. Now, I can feel the range of emotions I have and am capable of feeling. I feel like a child who is exploring the world for the time because I am exploring the world through my emotions. When I was younger, I thought that my emotions were a curse and I had to learn how to control them so that I could function in the world. I was scared of them (which is part of the reason why I got on Zoloft in the first place, other than being suicidal). I did not give myself the freedom or space to express my emotions much less experience the world through emotions. Emotions are rendered as weak by society, especially misogynistic mainstream thought. I am now finding new strength and freedom through my holistic existence which includes emotions.

The road to getting off Zoloft is not easy. I have been tappering off the medication since April and it is now July. At first I was thrilled with my decision and thought that getting off them would have been as easy as getting on them. But I was wrong. Between the dizziness, jolty feelings, light-headiness, emotional roller-coasters, and overall sick feelings, I thought that I would have to stop my journey of getting off Zoloft. But after reading many stories of other people's struggles I found renewed strength and confidence in myself. I wasn't the problem, Zoloft was and I need to get it out of my body all that much more.

Well, I believe I am in the last phase of my tapering off and feel really good about this process. I have come to believe that this society has found another way to try to make masses complacent and fearful of their own selves. The myth that people, especially women, are too emotional and can't control their own emotions is a lie to pinch people against each other and themselves. If one believes that the stress one is enduring due to the must-work-even-harder mentality or that the loneliness one is feeling because of the individualistic isolating culture we have or the sadness we carry from lack of love and warmth is of our own bodies' doing and can not be controlled or healed in other ways other than medications, we are only creating a society of people that can't trust themselves and thus runs into the arms of the government and the pharmaceutical companies. Ultimately creating a society that is taught that they can't function without themselves or each other, isolating individuals even more perpetuating the "mental illnesses" that permeate our society. Though there are some people that do have some medical issues and need help, I do not believe that the majority of these patients are suffering from actual disease but rather suffering from the disease of capitalism at play.

Looking....

When I feel miserable about life and myself, I have an inclination to look elsewhere for inspiration. Many of you out there might be thinking, "But Mims, you should be lookin in yourself for inspiration." But you know, I'm tired of looking inside and not finding any answers. What I do find is a hole that I dug for myself where I like to hide and sadness and regret. I don't know what my heart is saying anymore sometimes. My heart feels so torn sometimes, yet I wonder if it's really torn or if I just have to pay attention to it.

What? Where is my life going?

Hello my fellow twenty-some-odd years old peers. Is there someone else out there in this society who is just as bored with their lives as much as I am? Everything is so meticulously structured, that there is not escape for creativity. One goes to school for mad long, and then one foes to work, day in day out everyday for all of your days. I'm bored with this existence and long for something else.

For my students

I recently wrote a free-verse thinking about how in our current school system, not only are teachers and students kept at a distance from one another but are also pitted against each other. As a NYC public school teacher, I am told to be careful because anything I do is liable to get me reported as possibly terminated. I am told to be careful to not care too much about the students. I am told not to get too close...but what's the point of teaching if you can't care about the people you are teaching? And so, I wrote about it. I am afraid to post this because I could get in trouble since everything gets teachers in trouble these days. (Society hates teachers cuz we try to get people to think for themselves, god forbid.) but here it goes....

Do you know
that I dream about you in
the secret place
of my mind?
I dream of a time when you are safe
like I say you are
of a place where you can
live out your dreams
without fear
without the obstacles
society has emplaced
I dream of your smile when
 you talk bout all that it is
 you want out of life
Do you know
that when I dream about you
I cry knowing what it is
that is waiting for you outside of the walls of this uterus called school
That when we give birth to you
we spit you out to be
another gear in the wheel of
our rotating and self-perpetuating proliferating
social machine that
keeps us running in circles like hamsters

You know that when
the whole world fades away
and social restrictions don't
regulate my everything
I open my heart like
the floodgates of Citedal
and let everything collapse
and it is when I am truly free
and when I let myself feel
and dream
all that that psychotherapists could love to diagnose
in-complacent, borderline hot-mess disorder
BUT
By day, I live out my oath
  to be a heartless robot
assembly line 9-5 participant
social machine subdued fear induced conformity
And thus,
I stand here
look upon you
a hypocrite
cuz
my dreams for you, for me, for us
occur far away from
the realm
of the institutional structure
that tells me you are to be feared and ashamed of
and tells you I am not to be trusted
   that keeps us at a distance
perpetuating isolation
                    frustration
                    miscommunication
because I tell you the lies
they told me
     "follow the path laid out, set before you
by the omniscient Big Brother
and your life will be all the more better cuz of it"
Yet, here I am and my life is where it was yesterday
and the day before that
and the day before that
and before that
and before that
Stuck
unable to find a way out of this rat race
out of running 'round in circles
and live out my dreams
You know,
I sold me dreams for security
but I will not sell my heart

So I dream about you at night
and dream about holding you
reassurin you that we will find a way
and that I'm just as scarred as you are
but we will find a way
but we will find a way
even in out fractoluminescence
I reach out cuz
Cuz I want us to be whole and I will NOT sell my soul
But until I can find a way
to break out from our fractured
distorted
existence
I will dream
and hope
and envision
you and me
away from social restrictions
after we have parted to come back
in the spiral
that keeps us apart

When I grow up....

"You have so much potential. When you grow up, you can be whatever you want to be. Just gotta put your mind and all into it." How many of you heard this or said it to an unsuspecting youth? I know I heard it, I"m even guilty of saying it. You know, when I was younger, I wanted to be a superhero. I wanted to save the world from itself and from the ills that infect our existence. I was told I couldn't be a super hero. I was told to get real, get serious, and get back to the drone of this everyday existence. I'm almost 25 years old and I know I can't fly or shoot lazar beams from my palms or burn down buildings using my death stare, but I am sure I can still serve justice to the world. I want others to wake up! Wake up and stop roaming the world listening to the mind-numbing rhythm coming out of your ear buds. Wake up and stop thinking that all you're worth is how much your car is worth, how much money you make in your day in day out 9-5. Wake up and stop fearing your fellow human person because of arbitrary characteristics such as class and race. Wake up and realize that there is so much more to life, your life, than being a slave to the social machine. Wake up.

Waiting for the world to change

When you ask little kids about what they want to be when they grow up, they usually answer with lots of radiant hope that they want to be a police officer, a fire fighter, and teacher, a detective, an artist, an astronaut....Rarely will you ever hear I want to be an office clerk, work in a dead beat job, be homeless, be discriminated on, incarcerated....Most little kids dream of changing the world, helping others, and making their dreams come true. So what happens on the way from childhood to adulthood that makes most of lose that sparkle? 


Some people say that it's the system, others say it's fear, while the rest say it's just that children are naive and there are responsibilities that must be taken care of. According to dictionary.com, a system is defined as :noun an assemblage or combination of things or parts forming a complex or unitary whole: a mountain system; a railroad system...any assemblage or set of correlated members." I wonder, are we not the parts that make the whole? Are we not the members of society? According to dictionary.com fear is defined as "noun a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid." So, what are we truly afraid of? Also, responsibility is defined as, "adjective answerable or accountable, as for something within one;s power, control, or management." What do we have control over? What are we accountable to?


The reasons that most people in society give up on and/or abandon their dreams are for arbitrary reasons. We talk about all these things as if we can't touch it or see it. As if we can't do anything about it. Yet, we are the ones that create it. Then that would mean that we are accountable for what is going on with the stale and abandoned dreams. So what do we do? Some give up and go with the flow, others try to change the world, the rest wait for the wold to change. 

Growing up

I am almost a quarter of a century old. I'm 24 and in 9 months I am going to be 25. ONe thing about getting older and being an adult is realizing that your parents are also getting older. Most children come to a point in their lives when they are no longer just the child and their parents are no longer the caregivers. Roles are reversed where the children become the caregivers for their parents and the parents become more like the children. This is where I am in my life at the moment.

Last year, Papi got cancer and I was faced with seeing him sick all the time and me trying to take care of him and Mami. Mami is now dealing with another medical problem. My brother's host father passed away last week. A generation is now passing and we are coming up. Our roles switch from child o adult ad sometimes we don't realize the full extent to what that means. I at least didn't know the emotional repercussions of what it will mean to grow up. 

A Step in the Love Direction

It is said that all you need is love. The Beatles wrote and sand that there is:
Nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It's easy.
All you need is love.

I believe that through love one can find deep healing and create new worlds. If hate and selfishness has created the world that we live in now, why couldn't love do the same? The world that needs to be created first, is the world within the hearts of individuals. Love will be able to allow you to soar to heights you never thought possible. I believe that this is what is occuring to me.

Several months ago, I met a beautiful woman that has changed my life and world for the better. She has shown me some deep, affectionate, soul love. She has shown me things that I forgot when I stopped believing in fairy tales. She reminded me how to dream, how to live, and to believe in myself again. I believe that through the power of love, I was able to reconnect with a part of myself that I had abandoned because I was too occupied with growing up and being so responsible and a part of this world.

There are times that I lay at night and think about you. I want you to know that you mean so much in my life. "So I hope you see that I would love to love you And that see will cry when she learns we are two If I fell in love with you."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3n71KUiWn1I

Get ready, because we all came to win.

Guilt

Why is it that women tend to feel guilty and the one to blame when they are sexually assaulted, raped, and/or abused? I wonder about what it is about our social and cultural fabric that creates a sense of guilt and shame for women when they are mistreated and violated.

The law and prosecutors also don't help at times because there are a lot of convolution around terms and technicality.

As kids we grow up hearing that men can't help themselves and as women, we have to be very cautious about our bodies. If we wear a certain outfit, we could be putting a man at risk for straying his eyes and hurting it us. We have to make sure that we don't walk late at night because we could be asking for trouble. If she flirts, or her skirt is too short, she is obviously asking for it. In the end, the message is: it was her fault he abused her. Why don't we as a society ask ourselves and each other "why did he do that to her?" "What makes it ok for a man to abuse a woman?" There is something very distorted about our society and culture that allows people to abuse each other (because men are also abused). What causes this abuse? And what allows it to continue?

If you are being abused or were abused in one way, shape, or form, it is not your fault and you did not ask for it or provoke it.

For more information, click here.

Believing in yourself

"If just one person believes in you deep enough and strong enough 
Believes in you hard enough and long enough 
Before you knew it, someone else would think 'if he can do it I can do it' 
Making it two. 
Two whole people who believe in you. 
And maybe even you can believe in you too."

Jim Henson

Job hunt

It is the end of the academic year. Unfortunately, this year for me has been less than ideal. So, once again I am on the hunt for another position at another school. This time I am going hard and not settling for the first thing that comes along because that was what got me in trouble the first two times. As I go on the hunt, there are these tips that run through my mind that makes me look a little closer at the job hunt process. Something that keeps popping up is the line, "Sell yourself." One needs to put oneself out there, be aggressive, show off the best qualities one has....seems like a lot but sounds a lot like prostitution to me. Corporate prostitution. I'm not trying to crack on my brothers and sisters trying to make ends meet, but I'm seriously looking at the styles of getting jobs and they seem very similar.

The end

I was supposed to put this up on the 11th but never did.

It is now 8.28H. I am feeling so tired! It seems that I have been running on "empty" for quite some time now. For the people in my life, this is the final stretch for various things. It is the end of the semester in college, some of us are even graduating. We are approaching the end of another school year, and finishing up with exams and the like. For others, like my father, we are approaching the end of a long journey of illness and treatment.

Papi finishes his last radiation treatment today. (Not sure if the doctors are going to opt for one more chemotherapy but that would be the last one as well.) It has been a long five months dealing with cancer and treatment. And for those of you who may know Papi personally, he is not an easy person to deal with, which made the journey seem that much longer at times. But we are finally coming to the end of the road for a lot of different things. I'm so happy because this moment seemed so far away. Even though I know that there is more to this journey (such as recovering and healing) it still does not take away from the big sigh of relief I have just experienced knowing that we have survived.

Whose voice matters?

Who gets heard? That is what I keep thinking about whenever in conversation about teacher inquiry and research. For the longest time, it has been the voice of the university that has dictated the day-to-day practices of "ordinary" people. The universities have been the epicenter of society, further perpetuating the notion that the elite class and male voice is paramount to all others. This does not exclude the educational system. The classroom and schools are just a mirror of the larger society. What kind of schools are we making?

Dreams

When I was younger, I was filled with wonder. I used to dream about live and love and wonder. Everything was so magical and possible. But as I grew older, I began to come into reality. I learned about society and realized that there are responsibilities that we must take on as adults. Soon, these dreams were mere child's play, insignificant. I then forgot about these dreams and how to dream. But now that I am more of an adult and immersed in this "reality" I am starting to wonder if this is all there is? I don't think so. I am starting to believe that these childhood dreams have something more to do with an actual reality that is beyond this one that we live in now.

Lets dream again....

Papi with cancer

Strong man, I've watched you from afar
I could see your brute vitality
what kept you going
I never could say
From a distance
I watched you suffer
alone with your pain
never allowing anyone in
I longed to be a part of your life and that you
would entire mine
in hopes hat we could both
heal our wounds

Strong man, from afar I watched you
slowly wither away
feelings beaten and unloved (under appreciated)
Never really seeing how much I love you
how much I needed you
and wanted you in my life
But rather what I got was the residue of
other people's trampling

Strong man
I saw how Anger became your companion
    my fear and pain
It became the driving force of all around you
and what drove those around you away
I saw how it permeated every quarter
seeping into every unknown crevice
multiplying its infestation
Until it seeped into you
and now rages throughout your body

What's the point?

So much of my identity and sense of worth gas been attached to academics and the things that I do. My achievemnts at school (and whatever I was doing at the time) was the cornerstone on which I place my dignities. Luckily for me at the time, I had learned very quickly and successfully how to play the academic game. This led me to move to the top of my classes, receive honors, move up ranks academically, and even move up a social class. But unfortunately, that is all I have to claim for myself, nor have I tasted the bitterness of failure, until now.

Now as an adult, away from the realm of student life, I am faced with a new sort of game that I am not familiar with. It is the social game of work politics. It is one that I am trying to learn but it is consuming me. Thus far, I have toiled unsuccessfully and of which almost claimed my life. I know that work is not everything about a person but I am having a very difficult time separating myself, my identity, and my work. Though work is only one component of one's life, it is still connected to almost everything else about your life. Such as, where one lives, status, health, leisure and such. (Random thought, the more money one has or higher social status one attains, the more leisure time one can afford. This sounds like another blog topic to me!)

I have worked so hard my whole life to be at this moment. I dreamt about the moment when I could say, "I made it!" I thought that moment would be now. I've strode and hiked mountains to reach the peak, the parramount moment of my labour. It was supposed to be this day. The view was to be splendour. But what I am seeing is not the magnificent view I was expecting. Rather, what I am seeing instread is a life and system of decay. I feel I have been cheated out of my victory. And here I stand at the summit realizing I now must reexamine my route, descend, and continue the hike. I'm not sure if I have the strength to continue now. I've journeyed to this point and I was supposed to be enjoying the view and relaxing a bit until I continued on but now I have to just keep on moving. I'm tired.

Missing you

As mentioned in my last post, I recently lost my girlfriend. This is not the first time I experience death, but it is the first time I lose someone in these type of circumstances. (Some details I do not wish to disclose on the internet or on this public blog.) I have been very saddened by the circumstances. I might write about this experience at a later date when I feel stronger to do so. Right now I would just like to share some help for those who might be going through the natural pain and process of grief.


Grief can include:
The diagnosis of a terminal illness, any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.


There are stages to grief. The Five Stages Of Grief, was first introduced by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. She was the pioneer on bereavement studies. The stages are 
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
This is a website I came across that might be helpful. It talks about the different stages of grief.


Click here for a more detailed explanation on the stages. 
Click here for help understanding grief and some ideas on how to cope with loss. 
Click here for coping strategies and ideas/exercises.


Grieving is a painful process but one that must be had. Remember that your grief is yours and yours alone. No one can tell you how to grieve or that your feelings are wrong. They are yours and are to be validated. Though grief is a personal experience, also keep in mind that you don't have to do it alone!


"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."  ~Kahlil Gibran

Fragility, Strength

I haven't written in a while because lie has gotten so stressful. I think the stress is caused by the realization of human fragility. For as much as we would like to think that we are in control of our own lives, sometimes we really are not. How can we not be in control of our lives when we have free will and live in such an individualistic society? There are so many factors that contribute to our fragile mortality, and some of these things are not contingent on our decisions.

For me, this realization came with some major events that has happened in the last few months. A few months ago, one of the members at the church I attend and am a member of passed away suddenly when she was hit by a car in a freak accident on her way to work. Though I was not close to her, I was highly affected by her death because I am extremely attached to the people of the church. They have become my second family.

My father has been diagnosed with stage four tonsil cancer. Cause: unknown. Treatment: intense chemotherapy and radiation. Side affects: weakness, loss of hair, regurgitation, malnutrition, dehydration,  desperation, depression, anxiety, strained relationships...

My girlfriend of almost a year had gone missing since February 15th 2011. Her body was found on March 31st, 2011. One moment she was here, the next she was gone.

I might loss my career due to the opinions of others...I was denied a coop most likely due to age discrimination....

There is just a lot of loss in my life and a lot of stressors. All these remind me how vulnerable we all actually are. Though our lives' journey is affected by the decisions we make, there are some things that actually happen to us outside of our control. But as someone really wise once said, the only thing we have control over is our reaction.

Okay, so here I am in the midst of so much pain, sorrow, and loss. What am I going to do? I know that I have to move on. Most people know that they have to keep on living regardless of what is going on around them. What I don't want to fall into is living life aimlessly, floating by and going only where the waves take me. I think a lot of people fall into this way of living; making themselves numb and reacting by not reacting.

Being Rated

Another day in the DOE...I love how we live in a democratic country, yet, at the work place, especially the DOE there is nothing democratic about it. The officials have the final say in everything and have full control of people's lives and careers. (Hmmm, I guess the saying is true - school is just a micro replica of society.) Anyways...I was observed last week by my principal. (My lesson plan was four pages long with footnotes after being spoken to like an idiot). the result was that I still would get a U-rating after all. (Unsatisfactory) The whole year felt like nothing I did was ever good enough for these people. I'm the ugly stepchild up in there.

Seriously...ef this!!!