The end

I was supposed to put this up on the 11th but never did.

It is now 8.28H. I am feeling so tired! It seems that I have been running on "empty" for quite some time now. For the people in my life, this is the final stretch for various things. It is the end of the semester in college, some of us are even graduating. We are approaching the end of another school year, and finishing up with exams and the like. For others, like my father, we are approaching the end of a long journey of illness and treatment.

Papi finishes his last radiation treatment today. (Not sure if the doctors are going to opt for one more chemotherapy but that would be the last one as well.) It has been a long five months dealing with cancer and treatment. And for those of you who may know Papi personally, he is not an easy person to deal with, which made the journey seem that much longer at times. But we are finally coming to the end of the road for a lot of different things. I'm so happy because this moment seemed so far away. Even though I know that there is more to this journey (such as recovering and healing) it still does not take away from the big sigh of relief I have just experienced knowing that we have survived.

Whose voice matters?

Who gets heard? That is what I keep thinking about whenever in conversation about teacher inquiry and research. For the longest time, it has been the voice of the university that has dictated the day-to-day practices of "ordinary" people. The universities have been the epicenter of society, further perpetuating the notion that the elite class and male voice is paramount to all others. This does not exclude the educational system. The classroom and schools are just a mirror of the larger society. What kind of schools are we making?

Dreams

When I was younger, I was filled with wonder. I used to dream about live and love and wonder. Everything was so magical and possible. But as I grew older, I began to come into reality. I learned about society and realized that there are responsibilities that we must take on as adults. Soon, these dreams were mere child's play, insignificant. I then forgot about these dreams and how to dream. But now that I am more of an adult and immersed in this "reality" I am starting to wonder if this is all there is? I don't think so. I am starting to believe that these childhood dreams have something more to do with an actual reality that is beyond this one that we live in now.

Lets dream again....

Papi with cancer

Strong man, I've watched you from afar
I could see your brute vitality
what kept you going
I never could say
From a distance
I watched you suffer
alone with your pain
never allowing anyone in
I longed to be a part of your life and that you
would entire mine
in hopes hat we could both
heal our wounds

Strong man, from afar I watched you
slowly wither away
feelings beaten and unloved (under appreciated)
Never really seeing how much I love you
how much I needed you
and wanted you in my life
But rather what I got was the residue of
other people's trampling

Strong man
I saw how Anger became your companion
    my fear and pain
It became the driving force of all around you
and what drove those around you away
I saw how it permeated every quarter
seeping into every unknown crevice
multiplying its infestation
Until it seeped into you
and now rages throughout your body

What's the point?

So much of my identity and sense of worth gas been attached to academics and the things that I do. My achievemnts at school (and whatever I was doing at the time) was the cornerstone on which I place my dignities. Luckily for me at the time, I had learned very quickly and successfully how to play the academic game. This led me to move to the top of my classes, receive honors, move up ranks academically, and even move up a social class. But unfortunately, that is all I have to claim for myself, nor have I tasted the bitterness of failure, until now.

Now as an adult, away from the realm of student life, I am faced with a new sort of game that I am not familiar with. It is the social game of work politics. It is one that I am trying to learn but it is consuming me. Thus far, I have toiled unsuccessfully and of which almost claimed my life. I know that work is not everything about a person but I am having a very difficult time separating myself, my identity, and my work. Though work is only one component of one's life, it is still connected to almost everything else about your life. Such as, where one lives, status, health, leisure and such. (Random thought, the more money one has or higher social status one attains, the more leisure time one can afford. This sounds like another blog topic to me!)

I have worked so hard my whole life to be at this moment. I dreamt about the moment when I could say, "I made it!" I thought that moment would be now. I've strode and hiked mountains to reach the peak, the parramount moment of my labour. It was supposed to be this day. The view was to be splendour. But what I am seeing is not the magnificent view I was expecting. Rather, what I am seeing instread is a life and system of decay. I feel I have been cheated out of my victory. And here I stand at the summit realizing I now must reexamine my route, descend, and continue the hike. I'm not sure if I have the strength to continue now. I've journeyed to this point and I was supposed to be enjoying the view and relaxing a bit until I continued on but now I have to just keep on moving. I'm tired.