It is said that all you need is love. The Beatles wrote and sand that there is:
Nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It's easy.
All you need is love.
I believe that through love one can find deep healing and create new worlds. If hate and selfishness has created the world that we live in now, why couldn't love do the same? The world that needs to be created first, is the world within the hearts of individuals. Love will be able to allow you to soar to heights you never thought possible. I believe that this is what is occuring to me.
Several months ago, I met a beautiful woman that has changed my life and world for the better. She has shown me some deep, affectionate, soul love. She has shown me things that I forgot when I stopped believing in fairy tales. She reminded me how to dream, how to live, and to believe in myself again. I believe that through the power of love, I was able to reconnect with a part of myself that I had abandoned because I was too occupied with growing up and being so responsible and a part of this world.
There are times that I lay at night and think about you. I want you to know that you mean so much in my life. "So I hope you see that I would love to love you And that see will cry when she learns we are two If I fell in love with you."
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Guilt
Why is it that women tend to feel guilty and the one to blame when they are sexually assaulted, raped, and/or abused? I wonder about what it is about our social and cultural fabric that creates a sense of guilt and shame for women when they are mistreated and violated.
The law and prosecutors also don't help at times because there are a lot of convolution around terms and technicality.
As kids we grow up hearing that men can't help themselves and as women, we have to be very cautious about our bodies. If we wear a certain outfit, we could be putting a man at risk for straying his eyes and hurting it us. We have to make sure that we don't walk late at night because we could be asking for trouble. If she flirts, or her skirt is too short, she is obviously asking for it. In the end, the message is: it was her fault he abused her. Why don't we as a society ask ourselves and each other "why did he do that to her?" "What makes it ok for a man to abuse a woman?" There is something very distorted about our society and culture that allows people to abuse each other (because men are also abused). What causes this abuse? And what allows it to continue?
If you are being abused or were abused in one way, shape, or form, it is not your fault and you did not ask for it or provoke it.
For more information, click here.
The law and prosecutors also don't help at times because there are a lot of convolution around terms and technicality.
As kids we grow up hearing that men can't help themselves and as women, we have to be very cautious about our bodies. If we wear a certain outfit, we could be putting a man at risk for straying his eyes and hurting it us. We have to make sure that we don't walk late at night because we could be asking for trouble. If she flirts, or her skirt is too short, she is obviously asking for it. In the end, the message is: it was her fault he abused her. Why don't we as a society ask ourselves and each other "why did he do that to her?" "What makes it ok for a man to abuse a woman?" There is something very distorted about our society and culture that allows people to abuse each other (because men are also abused). What causes this abuse? And what allows it to continue?
If you are being abused or were abused in one way, shape, or form, it is not your fault and you did not ask for it or provoke it.
For more information, click here.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Believing in yourself
"If just one person believes in you deep enough
and strong enough
Believes in you hard enough and long enough
Before you knew it, someone else would think 'if he can do it I can do it'
Making it two.
Two whole people who believe in you.
And maybe even you can believe in you too."
Jim Henson
Believes in you hard enough and long enough
Before you knew it, someone else would think 'if he can do it I can do it'
Making it two.
Two whole people who believe in you.
And maybe even you can believe in you too."
Jim Henson
Friday, July 1, 2011
Job hunt
It is the end of the academic year. Unfortunately, this year for me has been less than ideal. So, once again I am on the hunt for another position at another school. This time I am going hard and not settling for the first thing that comes along because that was what got me in trouble the first two times. As I go on the hunt, there are these tips that run through my mind that makes me look a little closer at the job hunt process. Something that keeps popping up is the line, "Sell yourself." One needs to put oneself out there, be aggressive, show off the best qualities one has....seems like a lot but sounds a lot like prostitution to me. Corporate prostitution. I'm not trying to crack on my brothers and sisters trying to make ends meet, but I'm seriously looking at the styles of getting jobs and they seem very similar.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The end
I was supposed to put this up on the 11th but never did.
It is now 8.28H. I am feeling so tired! It seems that I have been running on "empty" for quite some time now. For the people in my life, this is the final stretch for various things. It is the end of the semester in college, some of us are even graduating. We are approaching the end of another school year, and finishing up with exams and the like. For others, like my father, we are approaching the end of a long journey of illness and treatment.
Papi finishes his last radiation treatment today. (Not sure if the doctors are going to opt for one more chemotherapy but that would be the last one as well.) It has been a long five months dealing with cancer and treatment. And for those of you who may know Papi personally, he is not an easy person to deal with, which made the journey seem that much longer at times. But we are finally coming to the end of the road for a lot of different things. I'm so happy because this moment seemed so far away. Even though I know that there is more to this journey (such as recovering and healing) it still does not take away from the big sigh of relief I have just experienced knowing that we have survived.
It is now 8.28H. I am feeling so tired! It seems that I have been running on "empty" for quite some time now. For the people in my life, this is the final stretch for various things. It is the end of the semester in college, some of us are even graduating. We are approaching the end of another school year, and finishing up with exams and the like. For others, like my father, we are approaching the end of a long journey of illness and treatment.
Papi finishes his last radiation treatment today. (Not sure if the doctors are going to opt for one more chemotherapy but that would be the last one as well.) It has been a long five months dealing with cancer and treatment. And for those of you who may know Papi personally, he is not an easy person to deal with, which made the journey seem that much longer at times. But we are finally coming to the end of the road for a lot of different things. I'm so happy because this moment seemed so far away. Even though I know that there is more to this journey (such as recovering and healing) it still does not take away from the big sigh of relief I have just experienced knowing that we have survived.
Whose voice matters?
Who gets heard? That is what I keep thinking about whenever in conversation about teacher inquiry and research. For the longest time, it has been the voice of the university that has dictated the day-to-day practices of "ordinary" people. The universities have been the epicenter of society, further perpetuating the notion that the elite class and male voice is paramount to all others. This does not exclude the educational system. The classroom and schools are just a mirror of the larger society. What kind of schools are we making?
Monday, May 16, 2011
Dreams
When I was younger, I was filled with wonder. I used to dream about live and love and wonder. Everything was so magical and possible. But as I grew older, I began to come into reality. I learned about society and realized that there are responsibilities that we must take on as adults. Soon, these dreams were mere child's play, insignificant. I then forgot about these dreams and how to dream. But now that I am more of an adult and immersed in this "reality" I am starting to wonder if this is all there is? I don't think so. I am starting to believe that these childhood dreams have something more to do with an actual reality that is beyond this one that we live in now.
Lets dream again....
Lets dream again....
Friday, May 6, 2011
Papi with cancer
Strong man, I've watched you from afar
I could see your brute vitality
what kept you going
I never could say
From a distance
I watched you suffer
alone with your pain
never allowing anyone in
I longed to be a part of your life and that you
would entire mine
in hopes hat we could both
heal our wounds
Strong man, from afar I watched you
slowly wither away
feelings beaten and unloved (under appreciated)
Never really seeing how much I love you
how much I needed you
and wanted you in my life
But rather what I got was the residue of
other people's trampling
Strong man
I saw how Anger became your companion
my fear and pain
It became the driving force of all around you
and what drove those around you away
I saw how it permeated every quarter
seeping into every unknown crevice
multiplying its infestation
Until it seeped into you
and now rages throughout your body
I could see your brute vitality
what kept you going
I never could say
From a distance
I watched you suffer
alone with your pain
never allowing anyone in
I longed to be a part of your life and that you
would entire mine
in hopes hat we could both
heal our wounds
Strong man, from afar I watched you
slowly wither away
feelings beaten and unloved (under appreciated)
Never really seeing how much I love you
how much I needed you
and wanted you in my life
But rather what I got was the residue of
other people's trampling
Strong man
I saw how Anger became your companion
my fear and pain
It became the driving force of all around you
and what drove those around you away
I saw how it permeated every quarter
seeping into every unknown crevice
multiplying its infestation
Until it seeped into you
and now rages throughout your body
What's the point?
So much of my identity and sense of worth gas been attached to academics and the things that I do. My achievemnts at school (and whatever I was doing at the time) was the cornerstone on which I place my dignities. Luckily for me at the time, I had learned very quickly and successfully how to play the academic game. This led me to move to the top of my classes, receive honors, move up ranks academically, and even move up a social class. But unfortunately, that is all I have to claim for myself, nor have I tasted the bitterness of failure, until now.
Now as an adult, away from the realm of student life, I am faced with a new sort of game that I am not familiar with. It is the social game of work politics. It is one that I am trying to learn but it is consuming me. Thus far, I have toiled unsuccessfully and of which almost claimed my life. I know that work is not everything about a person but I am having a very difficult time separating myself, my identity, and my work. Though work is only one component of one's life, it is still connected to almost everything else about your life. Such as, where one lives, status, health, leisure and such. (Random thought, the more money one has or higher social status one attains, the more leisure time one can afford. This sounds like another blog topic to me!)
I have worked so hard my whole life to be at this moment. I dreamt about the moment when I could say, "I made it!" I thought that moment would be now. I've strode and hiked mountains to reach the peak, the parramount moment of my labour. It was supposed to be this day. The view was to be splendour. But what I am seeing is not the magnificent view I was expecting. Rather, what I am seeing instread is a life and system of decay. I feel I have been cheated out of my victory. And here I stand at the summit realizing I now must reexamine my route, descend, and continue the hike. I'm not sure if I have the strength to continue now. I've journeyed to this point and I was supposed to be enjoying the view and relaxing a bit until I continued on but now I have to just keep on moving. I'm tired.
Now as an adult, away from the realm of student life, I am faced with a new sort of game that I am not familiar with. It is the social game of work politics. It is one that I am trying to learn but it is consuming me. Thus far, I have toiled unsuccessfully and of which almost claimed my life. I know that work is not everything about a person but I am having a very difficult time separating myself, my identity, and my work. Though work is only one component of one's life, it is still connected to almost everything else about your life. Such as, where one lives, status, health, leisure and such. (Random thought, the more money one has or higher social status one attains, the more leisure time one can afford. This sounds like another blog topic to me!)
I have worked so hard my whole life to be at this moment. I dreamt about the moment when I could say, "I made it!" I thought that moment would be now. I've strode and hiked mountains to reach the peak, the parramount moment of my labour. It was supposed to be this day. The view was to be splendour. But what I am seeing is not the magnificent view I was expecting. Rather, what I am seeing instread is a life and system of decay. I feel I have been cheated out of my victory. And here I stand at the summit realizing I now must reexamine my route, descend, and continue the hike. I'm not sure if I have the strength to continue now. I've journeyed to this point and I was supposed to be enjoying the view and relaxing a bit until I continued on but now I have to just keep on moving. I'm tired.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Missing you
As mentioned in my last post, I recently lost my girlfriend. This is not the first time I experience death, but it is the first time I lose someone in these type of circumstances. (Some details I do not wish to disclose on the internet or on this public blog.) I have been very saddened by the circumstances. I might write about this experience at a later date when I feel stronger to do so. Right now I would just like to share some help for those who might be going through the natural pain and process of grief.
Grief can include:
The diagnosis of a terminal illness, any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.
There are stages to grief. The Five Stages Of Grief, was first introduced by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. She was the pioneer on bereavement studies. The stages are
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
This is a website I came across that might be helpful. It talks about the different stages of grief.
Click here for a more detailed explanation on the stages.
Click here for help understanding grief and some ideas on how to cope with loss.
Click here for coping strategies and ideas/exercises.
Grieving is a painful process but one that must be had. Remember that your grief is yours and yours alone. No one can tell you how to grieve or that your feelings are wrong. They are yours and are to be validated. Though grief is a personal experience, also keep in mind that you don't have to do it alone!
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~Kahlil Gibran
Grief can include:
The diagnosis of a terminal illness, any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.
There are stages to grief. The Five Stages Of Grief, was first introduced by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. She was the pioneer on bereavement studies. The stages are
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
This is a website I came across that might be helpful. It talks about the different stages of grief.
Click here for a more detailed explanation on the stages.
Click here for help understanding grief and some ideas on how to cope with loss.
Click here for coping strategies and ideas/exercises.
Grieving is a painful process but one that must be had. Remember that your grief is yours and yours alone. No one can tell you how to grieve or that your feelings are wrong. They are yours and are to be validated. Though grief is a personal experience, also keep in mind that you don't have to do it alone!
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~Kahlil Gibran
Fragility, Strength
I haven't written in a while because lie has gotten so stressful. I think the stress is caused by the realization of human fragility. For as much as we would like to think that we are in control of our own lives, sometimes we really are not. How can we not be in control of our lives when we have free will and live in such an individualistic society? There are so many factors that contribute to our fragile mortality, and some of these things are not contingent on our decisions.
For me, this realization came with some major events that has happened in the last few months. A few months ago, one of the members at the church I attend and am a member of passed away suddenly when she was hit by a car in a freak accident on her way to work. Though I was not close to her, I was highly affected by her death because I am extremely attached to the people of the church. They have become my second family.
My father has been diagnosed with stage four tonsil cancer. Cause: unknown. Treatment: intense chemotherapy and radiation. Side affects: weakness, loss of hair, regurgitation, malnutrition, dehydration, desperation, depression, anxiety, strained relationships...
My girlfriend of almost a year had gone missing since February 15th 2011. Her body was found on March 31st, 2011. One moment she was here, the next she was gone.
I might loss my career due to the opinions of others...I was denied a coop most likely due to age discrimination....
There is just a lot of loss in my life and a lot of stressors. All these remind me how vulnerable we all actually are. Though our lives' journey is affected by the decisions we make, there are some things that actually happen to us outside of our control. But as someone really wise once said, the only thing we have control over is our reaction.
Okay, so here I am in the midst of so much pain, sorrow, and loss. What am I going to do? I know that I have to move on. Most people know that they have to keep on living regardless of what is going on around them. What I don't want to fall into is living life aimlessly, floating by and going only where the waves take me. I think a lot of people fall into this way of living; making themselves numb and reacting by not reacting.
For me, this realization came with some major events that has happened in the last few months. A few months ago, one of the members at the church I attend and am a member of passed away suddenly when she was hit by a car in a freak accident on her way to work. Though I was not close to her, I was highly affected by her death because I am extremely attached to the people of the church. They have become my second family.
My father has been diagnosed with stage four tonsil cancer. Cause: unknown. Treatment: intense chemotherapy and radiation. Side affects: weakness, loss of hair, regurgitation, malnutrition, dehydration, desperation, depression, anxiety, strained relationships...
My girlfriend of almost a year had gone missing since February 15th 2011. Her body was found on March 31st, 2011. One moment she was here, the next she was gone.
I might loss my career due to the opinions of others...I was denied a coop most likely due to age discrimination....
There is just a lot of loss in my life and a lot of stressors. All these remind me how vulnerable we all actually are. Though our lives' journey is affected by the decisions we make, there are some things that actually happen to us outside of our control. But as someone really wise once said, the only thing we have control over is our reaction.
Okay, so here I am in the midst of so much pain, sorrow, and loss. What am I going to do? I know that I have to move on. Most people know that they have to keep on living regardless of what is going on around them. What I don't want to fall into is living life aimlessly, floating by and going only where the waves take me. I think a lot of people fall into this way of living; making themselves numb and reacting by not reacting.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Being Rated
Another day in the DOE...I love how we live in a democratic country, yet, at the work place, especially the DOE there is nothing democratic about it. The officials have the final say in everything and have full control of people's lives and careers. (Hmmm, I guess the saying is true - school is just a micro replica of society.) Anyways...I was observed last week by my principal. (My lesson plan was four pages long with footnotes after being spoken to like an idiot). the result was that I still would get a U-rating after all. (Unsatisfactory) The whole year felt like nothing I did was ever good enough for these people. I'm the ugly stepchild up in there.
Seriously...ef this!!!
Seriously...ef this!!!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Sometimes when I'm in class...
I really just would rather throw myself down the stairs
Seriously, there are other things I'd rather do. Thank God for the opportunity to get an education, but I really just want to DO something other than talk about theory; do the praxis!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Beauty is Skin Deep
Growing up was marked with body image issues. It followed me all the way to college. I didn't feel comfortable with my body. But then I began to work on my self esteem and I began to like myself more and more. But that changed again. About a year and a half ago I was in a car accident that left me with torn cartilages in my left wrist, four herniated disks, and several broken bones in my right foot. I needed two surgery to fix my foot. I still do not have full mobility in my foot but I am much better now.
Throughout this whole ordeal, I gained a lot of weight. About 35 pounds in fact. I was also differently abled. I was on crutches and in surgical boots for about nine months. I couldn't walk very well which caused the weight gain. I once again began to feel ashamed and embarrassed of my body. I didn't want anyone to see me and I avoided social situations.
I worked all summer to get the weight off. I got most of it off but still struggle body image issues. But in hindsight, there is so much I can say about my body. I am actually amazed at how well my body has recovered from such an ordeal. I am amazed at the transformation it has undertaken from the accident to now. The body really is an amazing apparatus that is under appreciated and put under way too much scrutiny. So here is to celebrating our bodies and the perfection of being who we are!!!!
Throughout this whole ordeal, I gained a lot of weight. About 35 pounds in fact. I was also differently abled. I was on crutches and in surgical boots for about nine months. I couldn't walk very well which caused the weight gain. I once again began to feel ashamed and embarrassed of my body. I didn't want anyone to see me and I avoided social situations.
I worked all summer to get the weight off. I got most of it off but still struggle body image issues. But in hindsight, there is so much I can say about my body. I am actually amazed at how well my body has recovered from such an ordeal. I am amazed at the transformation it has undertaken from the accident to now. The body really is an amazing apparatus that is under appreciated and put under way too much scrutiny. So here is to celebrating our bodies and the perfection of being who we are!!!!
Friday, February 11, 2011
What I want to be when I grow up
When I was little I had decided that I was going to be nun. It was a decision I made because I was desperate to get out. But at that age I wasn't sure how to explain what I was running away from or to. Now that I'm older, I know what that is. I want to be gay. I want to live a life free of gender roles. I want to live a life free of what society expects of me as a womin. Well, now that I know that, I no longer want to be a nun. (Thank goodness because I am not Catholic. I have no idea how well that would have gone for me.)
Moral of the story: people just want to be themselves.
Moral of the story: people just want to be themselves.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Elementary Testing
"Little fingers writing
little brains racing
Nausea, exhaustion, anxiety
Students are exploited
Under the system of our
academic sweatshop"
This was a short poem I wrote yesterday while the children were taking some acuity exam. They were in testing the whole day. What is this nation turning into when all that is worried about is test scores and data? I really wonder, when does actual teaching take place?
little brains racing
Nausea, exhaustion, anxiety
Students are exploited
Under the system of our
academic sweatshop"
This was a short poem I wrote yesterday while the children were taking some acuity exam. They were in testing the whole day. What is this nation turning into when all that is worried about is test scores and data? I really wonder, when does actual teaching take place?
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Mirrors
There are some people who serve as mirrors to us. They show us who we are, our flaws, the ugly, the beautiful, and our strengths. I have encountered a few of these people in my lifetime, but recently I have come across a different type of mirror.
A few months ago, I meet some very wonderful people. one of them in particular stands out in mind. He is absolutely inspiring and amazing. He has edited/written books, traveled all over the world, well educated, known, and well versed. When I look at him he reflects everything that I am not. He reflects the person that I had wanted to be, had the potential to be and am not.
I wonder, what do I reflect?
I'm not sure if I like what there is inside of me, so I hide.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Now I'm the adult
When we're kids, we are the little people roaming around clueless. We explore society and the world around us, always with the guidance of the an adult. We come to view the adults around us as strong and independent. Some of them are people we can relay on. As we get older, so do the adults around us. So they become older and sometimes physically weaker, and then we become the adults.
So, I am now facing the inevitable fact that the adults in my life are getting older, and I am now being inducted as the new adult generation. I am not sure if I am completely equipped to deal with this.
So, I am now facing the inevitable fact that the adults in my life are getting older, and I am now being inducted as the new adult generation. I am not sure if I am completely equipped to deal with this.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
New Perspective
FEAR is defined as:
False (or fictitious)
Evidence
Appearing
Real
So, find your truth and live freely.
False (or fictitious)
Evidence
Appearing
Real
So, find your truth and live freely.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Down Memory Lane
So I was reflecting back on my time at Skidmore College and all the different activities I was in. I watched some videos and saw pictures of my dance team, fashion shows, events, and flute ensemble recitals. These were the times when I had the most fun and difficult times with myself. But I always loved the stage and performing and was when I felt so good about myself and life and the world. I felt beyond myself.
I was also reflecting back on my relationships with others. The people I met and interacted with. I guess just life in general. There are a lot of things that I regret, mostly about my failure attitude. I still feel like a failure.
I'm a Christian, and throughout my time as a Christian I have hear about promises of what God has us. I don't think I believe in that anymore. I don't see anything in my life changing. Rather, I see more and more difficulty; I see less and less reason for me being here. I feel more and more alone; more and more depressed; I am less and less with direction. I feel more and more forgotten by God. So these promises I've heard of are just someone else's memory lane.
I was also reflecting back on my relationships with others. The people I met and interacted with. I guess just life in general. There are a lot of things that I regret, mostly about my failure attitude. I still feel like a failure.
I'm a Christian, and throughout my time as a Christian I have hear about promises of what God has us. I don't think I believe in that anymore. I don't see anything in my life changing. Rather, I see more and more difficulty; I see less and less reason for me being here. I feel more and more alone; more and more depressed; I am less and less with direction. I feel more and more forgotten by God. So these promises I've heard of are just someone else's memory lane.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Stay away.... :-(
Hello World;
I have been keeping you away and out of my life. You've tended to like me upon meeting me; most people do. But I have a secret. I am not perfect. I put up a facade and only let you see what you want to see. I also only let you get close enough so that you get to "know" the outer me, but not close enough to know all of me. I keep you out so that you won't have to see my imperfections because I know you won't like what you'll see. I want to have you close, I want intimacy but I'm afraid that you'll leave me when you actually get to know me. So I put up this mask, this act. But you know it gets tiring after a while. So, instead of giving up the act, I avoid you. But that makes me sad.
Mims
I have been keeping you away and out of my life. You've tended to like me upon meeting me; most people do. But I have a secret. I am not perfect. I put up a facade and only let you see what you want to see. I also only let you get close enough so that you get to "know" the outer me, but not close enough to know all of me. I keep you out so that you won't have to see my imperfections because I know you won't like what you'll see. I want to have you close, I want intimacy but I'm afraid that you'll leave me when you actually get to know me. So I put up this mask, this act. But you know it gets tiring after a while. So, instead of giving up the act, I avoid you. But that makes me sad.
Mims
Friday, January 21, 2011
I Wish...
When you start wishing that things could start over; or that things could change; when you wish that today never happened, or for tomorrow to come faster; when you wish and keep on wishing, that is when the light seems further away. Stop wishing and start living today.
Homeward Bound
Today, my father comes back home after spending a week in the hospital receiving chemotherapy 24hours a day (since Monday). He is receiving aggressive treatment for his stage four cancer. As of right now his chances are 80% survival. That is much better than 45%, which was his original prognosis.
Whenever anyone is anywhere whether that be physically or emotional, everyone just wants to go home. My father kept saying how much he wanted to come home while he was at the hospital. He was totally shocked at the taste of hospital food. Needless to say, he didn't like i because it was tasteless. This is the first time he spends time in the hospital and Mami and I have to coach him through it. Either way, there is no place like home.
Whenever anyone is anywhere whether that be physically or emotional, everyone just wants to go home. My father kept saying how much he wanted to come home while he was at the hospital. He was totally shocked at the taste of hospital food. Needless to say, he didn't like i because it was tasteless. This is the first time he spends time in the hospital and Mami and I have to coach him through it. Either way, there is no place like home.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
How?
I have been feeling rather hopeless lately. Things feel like they're falling apart. Thus, I am losing hope. I feel lost as well. I know that many others in my human family feel the same. So, how does one find hope in chaos? How does one find hope when one has lost it?
I have also noticed that I have been making decisions based on fear. I am on survival mode and am reacting on fear impulse and, as a fellow teacher had told me recently, fear is not of God. Fear has motivated me, but now, fear is holding me back. I need to set myself free.
I have also noticed that I have been making decisions based on fear. I am on survival mode and am reacting on fear impulse and, as a fellow teacher had told me recently, fear is not of God. Fear has motivated me, but now, fear is holding me back. I need to set myself free.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
What are we doing??
So, here I am. A young adult, an adult nonetheless, and I have no direction at all. I have no idea what I am going to be doing as a career. I thought I was going to be in education for a few years, but I'm not so sure now. I have no talent, no skills, no purpose. I'm just a bit lost, and feeling pessimistic. BUT I feel horrible that I feel this way because while I am whining about not knowing "what to do with my life" there are others who are struggling just to make it through the day due to illness, poverty, and immigration policies. What are we doing?
I have started going back to therapy due to the constant depressive episodes I face. And I'm not talking about "Oh, I feel sad today." I am talking about "I am feeling suicidal today." Yes, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and am taking meds. I am currently going to group therapy. I have gone to group therapy three times before while growing up, so this was I think, a good move to go back to group therapy. Though therapy is good, I wonder "what's the point?" If I don't go to therapy and get depressed and kill myself, who cares? Only my family will care but the world will go on. And the world is also a very small place in the vastness of the universe. So what does it matter.?
There are also soooo many issues in the world like children dying of malnutrition, children slaves and soldiers, there are people dying of disease, so many injustices....what;s the point of going to therapy? What difference would it make that I make or not with everything that is happening in the world?
I have started going back to therapy due to the constant depressive episodes I face. And I'm not talking about "Oh, I feel sad today." I am talking about "I am feeling suicidal today." Yes, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and am taking meds. I am currently going to group therapy. I have gone to group therapy three times before while growing up, so this was I think, a good move to go back to group therapy. Though therapy is good, I wonder "what's the point?" If I don't go to therapy and get depressed and kill myself, who cares? Only my family will care but the world will go on. And the world is also a very small place in the vastness of the universe. So what does it matter.?
There are also soooo many issues in the world like children dying of malnutrition, children slaves and soldiers, there are people dying of disease, so many injustices....what;s the point of going to therapy? What difference would it make that I make or not with everything that is happening in the world?
Saturday, January 15, 2011
If you need a little time out
You can check out this website. If you are curious, a beginner, or even a practitioner this website is really good.
To begin meditating click here.
To begin meditating click here.
To continue or not to continue
My mother had given me a book to inspire me. It is titled Teacher Miracles: Inspirational True Stories from the Classroom Edited by Brian Thorton. If you inferred that I am a teacher, you're wrong. I don't feel like a teacher, but I do teach. I currently teach ESL in an elementary school.
Lately, I have been feeling really frustrated and ashamed with myself. Apparently, I am not doing such a good job at teaching the kids according to my administration. (Lets not forget that I am a first year teacher and am not receiving support and am not specifically trained to be working at Elementary schools and the TC model sucks.) They've threatened to terminate me and revoke my license; such an extreme measure. They could just let my people go! Just let me go to another school. Well, anyways....I was beginning to think that maybe this is the wrong profession for me. I have always dreamed about being in education and teaching in a special needs population. But maybe teaching just isn't my thing. I wanted to quite.
As soon as I started reading this book, I quickly remembered why I got into teaching; to impact the lives of youngsters. Make a difference in the lives of those that are on the outskirts of society. The educational system is a hot mess. Especially now with Bloomberg in office controlling the DOE and appointing Cathie Black as the Chancellor. (Seriously, that was such a smack in the face. These people think that teachers are so incompetent that they have to get someone who has NEVER been in the classroom to tell us how to teach.) Sometimes with all the politics, bureaucracies, reforms, changes, and fear it is difficult to care and love the students on a genuine level. (It's hard when one is constantly thinking and wondering if one is going to lose their job, and when one can't even say something without the threat of going under investigation. More about that some other time.)
While I love the kids and sometimes I like teaching, I am not sure if that spark is there anymore. I think that it is being dampened by the threat of losing my job. Maybe subconsciously I have made myself numb to the passion I have to teaching. Or maybe I'm just frustrated. Either way, I am not sure whether or not I want to continue in this system. But then again as a fellow educator told me, I can not let others' fear tactics stop me. I can't base my decisions on fear, especially when I have put so much into something and am competent.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Modern Day Lepers
I consider myself Christian. But sometimes I am embarrassed to publicly say that (so I'm saying on the internet...haha). The reason? Because of people like Cindi Jacobs who claims that the recent phenomenom (or mystery) of the dying birds and fish is due to the repelling of DADT. Jesus calls us to be in community and to allow all lepers, the marginalized, the oppressed....everyone to community. But some Christians are so much holier-than-thou that they do just the opposite of what Jesus teaches us to do. God is about love. So, where is the love people?!
Jacobs, you're a fool!!! Seriously, go read a book. People are so ignorant.
One of the modern day lepers is....you've guessed it! Homosexuals.
Jacobs, you're a fool!!! Seriously, go read a book. People are so ignorant.
One of the modern day lepers is....you've guessed it! Homosexuals.
Dear 21st century
We are quickly becoming the century of all time. We are so technologically advanced that sometimes we can't even keep up! It's fascinating that a piece of technology can become outdated in just a matter of a few months. With technology the world is getting smaller, people are living longer---most things are at our fingertips. Yet, even with all these advances, there is still a few things that are missing and that were taken out of the equation. These include: deep human relation, the fulfillment of human rights for everyone and a sense of security and freedom.
Human relations have been reduced to superficial interactions. This is partly due to the high pace of our society. This is also partly due to the numbing effects of television, video games, ipods, and such. Nowadays, we don't even need to leave our houses if we wanted to. Thus, we don't have to interact with people if we really do not want to. Now we have the internet that allows us to do everything at home. We can work at home, do our shopping, pay our bills, do our taxes, manage accounts, send emails, and a variety of other things. Needless to say, the way that people interact is redefining itself.
There are several basic human rights that we all are entitled to which are access to food, clean water, education, and health care. With the technology available, there is enough food to feed everyone and still have a surplus. Yet, there are still 925 million people are hungry. Every day, almost 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes. (More information available at http://www.bread.org/hunger/global/facts.html) About 1.4 million children die from waterborne diseases. 884 million people lack access to safe water supplies; approximately one in eight people. (Information from water.org) The Census Bureau states that the number of the uninsured rises to 47 million Americans; an almost 5 percent increase since 2005 (http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/567737 or http://www.census.gov/
Really?
Many people live in constant fear; there is a loss of security and freedom. There are many war-stricken countries, there are many wars and battles in our own country that is swept under the rug, there is much oppression. There are marginalized folk who live on the outskirts of society facing many difficulties. They are ostracized and live with the burden of oppression. There is constant fear about survival and many of their human rights are denied.
Those who are privilege also lose a sense of their humanity as well. To oppress others is to lose our own humanity (from The Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire).
So 21st Century, where does that leave us? And, where are we going?
Sincerely,
Blogger
Human relations have been reduced to superficial interactions. This is partly due to the high pace of our society. This is also partly due to the numbing effects of television, video games, ipods, and such. Nowadays, we don't even need to leave our houses if we wanted to. Thus, we don't have to interact with people if we really do not want to. Now we have the internet that allows us to do everything at home. We can work at home, do our shopping, pay our bills, do our taxes, manage accounts, send emails, and a variety of other things. Needless to say, the way that people interact is redefining itself.
There are several basic human rights that we all are entitled to which are access to food, clean water, education, and health care. With the technology available, there is enough food to feed everyone and still have a surplus. Yet, there are still 925 million people are hungry. Every day, almost 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes. (More information available at http://www.bread.org/hunger/global/facts.html) About 1.4 million children die from waterborne diseases. 884 million people lack access to safe water supplies; approximately one in eight people. (Information from water.org) The Census Bureau states that the number of the uninsured rises to 47 million Americans; an almost 5 percent increase since 2005 (http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/567737 or http://www.census.gov/
Really?
Many people live in constant fear; there is a loss of security and freedom. There are many war-stricken countries, there are many wars and battles in our own country that is swept under the rug, there is much oppression. There are marginalized folk who live on the outskirts of society facing many difficulties. They are ostracized and live with the burden of oppression. There is constant fear about survival and many of their human rights are denied.
Those who are privilege also lose a sense of their humanity as well. To oppress others is to lose our own humanity (from The Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire).
So 21st Century, where does that leave us? And, where are we going?
Sincerely,
Blogger
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Influential Women
Some pictures I gathered of some influential and successful women. This is just a small collection and there are a lot more women that need to be credited. This is just a start. Can you suggest any others?
Former Pakistan Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto has been listed as the second most influential woman of 2007 in a list of 11 compiled by MSN.
Yeah, she's awesome too.
No need to say Oprah Winfrey secures her No. 1 spot
Nooyi is chairwoman and chief executive officer of PepsiCo
The Image
I was at work today and I was in a better mood today than I usually am. Usually when I walk in to work I usually really want to run right back out. I used to look forward to going to work (I looked forward to it all my life!). When I was little, I used to daydream about the day when I would be all grown up and be a confident woman out in the work force and making a name for myself! I don't think that I am close to being the image of the me that I wanted to become.
I have spoken to a bunch of other people who feel the same way. What I keep wondering then, is what happens along the way of childhood and adolescence that causes a detour in who we "are supposed" to become?
I have spoken to a bunch of other people who feel the same way. What I keep wondering then, is what happens along the way of childhood and adolescence that causes a detour in who we "are supposed" to become?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Beginnings
So, here we are. We're out of school, in the real world, and considered adults. But I wonder, how many of us actually know what it means to be an adult. Our welcome into the "real world" was a huge kick in the butt and the door of our youth years slammed right in our faces. Ummm, what do I do now?
I don't know about you, but I know that a lot of twenty-year olds have no idea what they are doing; this includes myself. We're trying to find some sort of direction, passion, and purpose in our lives. After navigating the early years in my life, I am in the REAL world and trying to figure it out. So I decided to write this blog; the simple journey of a twenty-something year old.
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