To continue or not to continue

My mother had given me a book to inspire me. It is titled Teacher Miracles: Inspirational True Stories from the Classroom Edited by Brian Thorton. If you inferred that I am a teacher, you're wrong. I don't feel like a teacher, but I do teach. I currently teach ESL in an elementary school.

Lately, I have been feeling really frustrated and ashamed with myself. Apparently, I am not doing such a good job at teaching the kids according to my administration. (Lets not forget that I am a first year teacher and am not receiving support and am not specifically trained to be working at Elementary schools and the TC model sucks.) They've threatened to terminate me and revoke my license; such an extreme measure. They could just let my people go! Just let me go to another school. Well, anyways....I was beginning to think that maybe this is the wrong profession for me. I have always dreamed about being in education and teaching in a special needs population. But maybe teaching just isn't my thing. I wanted to quite.

As soon as I started reading this book, I quickly remembered why I got into teaching; to impact the lives of youngsters. Make a difference in the lives of those that are on the outskirts of society. The educational system is a hot mess. Especially now with Bloomberg in office controlling the DOE and appointing Cathie Black as the Chancellor. (Seriously, that was such a smack in the face. These people think that teachers are so incompetent that they have to get someone who has NEVER been in the classroom to tell us how to teach.) Sometimes with all the politics, bureaucracies, reforms, changes, and fear it is difficult to care and love the students on a genuine level. (It's hard when one is constantly thinking and wondering if one is going to lose their job, and when one can't even say something without the threat of going under investigation. More about that some other time.) 

While I love the kids and sometimes I like teaching, I am not sure if that spark is there anymore. I think that it is being dampened by the threat of losing my job. Maybe subconsciously I have made myself numb to the passion I have to teaching. Or maybe I'm just frustrated. Either way, I am not sure whether or not I want to continue in this system. But then again as a fellow educator told me, I can not let others' fear tactics stop me. I can't base my decisions on fear, especially when I have put so much into something and am competent.