I feel like this most of the time

Mirrors

There are some people who serve as mirrors to us. They show us who we are, our flaws, the ugly, the beautiful, and our strengths. I have encountered a few of these people in my lifetime, but recently I have come across a different type of mirror.

A few months ago, I meet some very wonderful people. one of them in particular stands out in mind. He is absolutely inspiring and amazing. He has edited/written books, traveled all over the world, well educated, known, and well versed. When I look at him he reflects everything that I am not. He reflects the person that I had wanted to be, had the potential to be and am not.

I wonder, what do I reflect?

I'm not sure if I like what there is inside of me, so I hide.

Now I'm the adult

When we're kids, we are the little people roaming around clueless. We explore society and the world around us, always with the guidance of the an adult. We come to view the adults around us as strong and independent. Some of them are people we can relay on. As we get older, so do the adults around us. So they become older and sometimes physically weaker, and then we become the adults.

So, I am now facing the inevitable fact that the adults in my life are getting older, and I am now being inducted as the new adult generation. I am not sure if I am completely equipped to deal with this.

New Perspective

FEAR is defined as:
False (or fictitious)
Evidence
Appearing
Real

So, find your truth and live freely.

Down Memory Lane

So I was reflecting back on my time at Skidmore College and all the different activities I was in. I watched some videos and saw pictures of my dance team, fashion shows, events, and flute ensemble recitals. These were the times when I had the most fun and difficult times with myself. But I always loved the stage and performing and was when I felt so good about myself and life and the world. I felt beyond myself.

I was also reflecting back on my relationships with others. The people I met and interacted with. I guess just life in general. There are a lot of things that I regret, mostly about my failure attitude. I still feel like a failure.

I'm a Christian, and throughout my time as a Christian I have hear about promises of what God has us. I don't think I believe in that anymore. I don't see anything in my life changing. Rather, I see more and more difficulty; I see less and less reason for me being here. I feel more and more alone; more and more depressed; I am less and less with direction.  I feel more and more forgotten by God. So these promises I've heard of are just someone else's memory lane.

Stay away.... :-(

Hello World;

I have been keeping you away and out of my life. You've tended to like me upon meeting me; most people do. But I have a secret. I am not perfect. I put up a facade and only let you see what you want to see. I also only let you get close enough so that you get to "know" the outer me, but not close enough to know all of me. I keep you out so that you won't have to see my imperfections because I know you won't like what you'll see. I want to have you close, I want intimacy but I'm afraid that you'll leave me when you actually get to know me. So I put up this mask, this act. But you know it gets tiring after a while. So, instead of giving up the act, I avoid you. But that makes me sad.

Mims

I Wish...

When you start wishing that things could start over; or that things could change; when you wish that today never happened, or for tomorrow to come faster; when you wish and keep on wishing, that is when the light seems further away. Stop wishing and start living today.

Homeward Bound

Today, my father comes back home after spending a week in the hospital receiving chemotherapy 24hours a day (since Monday). He is receiving aggressive treatment for his stage four cancer. As of right now his chances are 80% survival. That is much better than 45%, which was his original prognosis.

Whenever anyone is anywhere whether that be physically or emotional, everyone just wants to go home. My father kept saying how much he wanted to come home while he was at the hospital. He was totally shocked at the taste of hospital food. Needless to say, he didn't like i because it was tasteless. This is the first time he spends time in the hospital and Mami and I have to coach him through it. Either way, there is no place like home.

How?

I have been feeling rather hopeless lately. Things feel like they're falling apart. Thus, I am losing hope. I feel lost as well. I know that many others in my human family feel the same. So, how does one find hope in chaos? How does one find hope when one has lost it?

I have also noticed that I have been making decisions based on fear. I am on survival mode and am reacting on fear impulse and, as a fellow teacher had told me recently, fear is not of God. Fear has motivated me, but now, fear is holding me back. I need to set myself free.

What are we doing??

So, here I am. A young adult, an adult nonetheless, and I have no direction at all. I have no idea what I am going to be doing as a career. I thought I was going to be in education for a few years, but I'm not so sure now. I have no talent, no skills, no purpose. I'm just a bit lost, and feeling pessimistic. BUT I feel horrible that I feel this way because while I am whining about not knowing "what to do with my life" there are others who are struggling just to make it through the day due to illness, poverty, and immigration policies. What are we doing?

I have started going back to therapy due to the constant depressive episodes I face. And I'm not talking about "Oh, I feel sad today." I am talking about "I am feeling suicidal today." Yes, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and am taking meds. I am currently going to group therapy. I have gone to group therapy three times before while growing up, so this was I think, a good move to go back to group therapy. Though therapy is good, I wonder "what's the point?" If I don't go to therapy and get depressed and kill myself, who cares? Only my family will care but the world will go on. And the world is also a very small place in the vastness of the universe. So what does it matter.?

There are also soooo many issues in the world like children dying of malnutrition, children slaves and soldiers, there are people dying of disease, so many injustices....what;s the point of going to therapy? What difference would it make that I make or not with everything that is happening in the world?

If you need a little time out

You can check out this website. If you are curious, a beginner, or even a practitioner this website is really good.

To begin meditating click here.

To continue or not to continue

My mother had given me a book to inspire me. It is titled Teacher Miracles: Inspirational True Stories from the Classroom Edited by Brian Thorton. If you inferred that I am a teacher, you're wrong. I don't feel like a teacher, but I do teach. I currently teach ESL in an elementary school.

Lately, I have been feeling really frustrated and ashamed with myself. Apparently, I am not doing such a good job at teaching the kids according to my administration. (Lets not forget that I am a first year teacher and am not receiving support and am not specifically trained to be working at Elementary schools and the TC model sucks.) They've threatened to terminate me and revoke my license; such an extreme measure. They could just let my people go! Just let me go to another school. Well, anyways....I was beginning to think that maybe this is the wrong profession for me. I have always dreamed about being in education and teaching in a special needs population. But maybe teaching just isn't my thing. I wanted to quite.

As soon as I started reading this book, I quickly remembered why I got into teaching; to impact the lives of youngsters. Make a difference in the lives of those that are on the outskirts of society. The educational system is a hot mess. Especially now with Bloomberg in office controlling the DOE and appointing Cathie Black as the Chancellor. (Seriously, that was such a smack in the face. These people think that teachers are so incompetent that they have to get someone who has NEVER been in the classroom to tell us how to teach.) Sometimes with all the politics, bureaucracies, reforms, changes, and fear it is difficult to care and love the students on a genuine level. (It's hard when one is constantly thinking and wondering if one is going to lose their job, and when one can't even say something without the threat of going under investigation. More about that some other time.) 

While I love the kids and sometimes I like teaching, I am not sure if that spark is there anymore. I think that it is being dampened by the threat of losing my job. Maybe subconsciously I have made myself numb to the passion I have to teaching. Or maybe I'm just frustrated. Either way, I am not sure whether or not I want to continue in this system. But then again as a fellow educator told me, I can not let others' fear tactics stop me. I can't base my decisions on fear, especially when I have put so much into something and am competent.

Modern Day Lepers

I consider myself Christian. But sometimes I am embarrassed to publicly say that (so I'm saying on the internet...haha). The reason? Because of people like Cindi Jacobs who claims that the recent phenomenom (or mystery) of the dying birds and fish is due to the repelling of DADT. Jesus calls us to be in community and to allow all lepers, the marginalized, the oppressed....everyone to community. But some Christians are so much holier-than-thou that they do just the opposite of what Jesus teaches us to do. God is about love. So, where is the love people?!

Jacobs, you're a fool!!! Seriously, go read a book. People are so ignorant.
One of the modern day lepers is....you've guessed it! Homosexuals.

Dear 21st century

We are quickly becoming the century of all time. We are so technologically advanced that sometimes we can't even keep up! It's fascinating that a piece of technology can become outdated in just a matter of a few months. With technology the world is getting smaller, people are living longer---most things are at our fingertips. Yet, even with all these advances, there is still a few things that are missing and that were taken out of the equation. These include: deep human relation, the fulfillment of human rights for everyone and a sense of security and freedom.

Human relations have been reduced to superficial interactions. This is partly due to the high pace of our society. This is also partly due to the numbing effects of television, video games, ipods, and such. Nowadays, we don't even need to leave our houses if we wanted to. Thus, we don't have to interact with people if we really do not want to. Now we have the internet that allows us to do everything at home. We  can work at home, do our shopping, pay our bills, do our taxes, manage accounts, send emails, and a variety of other things. Needless to say, the way that people interact is redefining itself.

There are several basic human rights that we all are entitled to which are access to food, clean water, education, and health care. With the technology available, there is enough food to feed everyone and still have a surplus. Yet, there are still 925 million people are hungry. Every day, almost 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes. (More information available at http://www.bread.org/hunger/global/facts.html) About 1.4 million children die from waterborne diseases. 884 million people lack access to safe water supplies; approximately one in eight people. (Information from water.org)  The Census Bureau states that the number of the uninsured rises to 47 million Americans; an almost 5 percent increase since 2005 (http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/567737 or http://www.census.gov/ 
Really?

Many people live in constant fear; there is a loss of security and freedom. There are many war-stricken countries, there are many wars and battles in our own country that is swept under the rug, there is much oppression. There are marginalized folk who live on the outskirts of society facing many difficulties. They  are ostracized and live with the burden of oppression. There is constant fear about survival and many of their human rights are denied.


Those who are privilege also lose a sense of their humanity as well. To oppress others is to lose our own humanity (from The Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire). 


So 21st Century, where does that leave us? And, where are we going?


Sincerely,


Blogger

Influential Women

Some pictures I gathered of some influential and successful women. This is just a small collection and there are a lot more women that need to be credited. This is just a start. Can you suggest any others?

Former Pakistan Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto has been listed as the second most influential woman of 2007 in a list of 11 compiled by MSN. 

Yeah, she's awesome too.

No need to say Oprah Winfrey secures her No. 1 spot

Nooyi is chairwoman and chief executive officer of PepsiCo

The Image

I was at work today and I was in a better mood today than I usually am. Usually when I walk in to work I usually really want to run right back out. I used to look forward to going to work (I looked forward to it all my life!). When I was little, I used to daydream about the day when I would be all grown up and be a confident woman out in the work force and making a name for myself! I don't think that I am close to being the image of the me that I wanted to become.

I have spoken to a bunch of other people who feel the same way. What I keep wondering then, is what happens along the way of childhood and adolescence that causes a detour in who we "are supposed" to become?

Swedish Proverb:

Those who wish to sing, always find a song.

The Beginnings

So, here we are. We're out of school, in the real world, and considered adults. But I wonder, how many of us actually know what it means to be an adult. Our welcome into the "real world" was a huge kick in the butt and the door of our youth years slammed right in our faces. Ummm, what do I do now? 

I don't know about you, but I know that a lot of twenty-year olds have no idea what they are doing; this includes myself. We're trying to find some sort of direction, passion, and purpose in our lives. After navigating the early years in my life, I am in the REAL world and trying to figure it out. So I decided to write this blog; the simple journey of a twenty-something year old.