What's the point?

So much of my identity and sense of worth gas been attached to academics and the things that I do. My achievemnts at school (and whatever I was doing at the time) was the cornerstone on which I place my dignities. Luckily for me at the time, I had learned very quickly and successfully how to play the academic game. This led me to move to the top of my classes, receive honors, move up ranks academically, and even move up a social class. But unfortunately, that is all I have to claim for myself, nor have I tasted the bitterness of failure, until now.

Now as an adult, away from the realm of student life, I am faced with a new sort of game that I am not familiar with. It is the social game of work politics. It is one that I am trying to learn but it is consuming me. Thus far, I have toiled unsuccessfully and of which almost claimed my life. I know that work is not everything about a person but I am having a very difficult time separating myself, my identity, and my work. Though work is only one component of one's life, it is still connected to almost everything else about your life. Such as, where one lives, status, health, leisure and such. (Random thought, the more money one has or higher social status one attains, the more leisure time one can afford. This sounds like another blog topic to me!)

I have worked so hard my whole life to be at this moment. I dreamt about the moment when I could say, "I made it!" I thought that moment would be now. I've strode and hiked mountains to reach the peak, the parramount moment of my labour. It was supposed to be this day. The view was to be splendour. But what I am seeing is not the magnificent view I was expecting. Rather, what I am seeing instread is a life and system of decay. I feel I have been cheated out of my victory. And here I stand at the summit realizing I now must reexamine my route, descend, and continue the hike. I'm not sure if I have the strength to continue now. I've journeyed to this point and I was supposed to be enjoying the view and relaxing a bit until I continued on but now I have to just keep on moving. I'm tired.