Fragility, Strength

I haven't written in a while because lie has gotten so stressful. I think the stress is caused by the realization of human fragility. For as much as we would like to think that we are in control of our own lives, sometimes we really are not. How can we not be in control of our lives when we have free will and live in such an individualistic society? There are so many factors that contribute to our fragile mortality, and some of these things are not contingent on our decisions.

For me, this realization came with some major events that has happened in the last few months. A few months ago, one of the members at the church I attend and am a member of passed away suddenly when she was hit by a car in a freak accident on her way to work. Though I was not close to her, I was highly affected by her death because I am extremely attached to the people of the church. They have become my second family.

My father has been diagnosed with stage four tonsil cancer. Cause: unknown. Treatment: intense chemotherapy and radiation. Side affects: weakness, loss of hair, regurgitation, malnutrition, dehydration,  desperation, depression, anxiety, strained relationships...

My girlfriend of almost a year had gone missing since February 15th 2011. Her body was found on March 31st, 2011. One moment she was here, the next she was gone.

I might loss my career due to the opinions of others...I was denied a coop most likely due to age discrimination....

There is just a lot of loss in my life and a lot of stressors. All these remind me how vulnerable we all actually are. Though our lives' journey is affected by the decisions we make, there are some things that actually happen to us outside of our control. But as someone really wise once said, the only thing we have control over is our reaction.

Okay, so here I am in the midst of so much pain, sorrow, and loss. What am I going to do? I know that I have to move on. Most people know that they have to keep on living regardless of what is going on around them. What I don't want to fall into is living life aimlessly, floating by and going only where the waves take me. I think a lot of people fall into this way of living; making themselves numb and reacting by not reacting.