Fragility, Strength

I haven't written in a while because lie has gotten so stressful. I think the stress is caused by the realization of human fragility. For as much as we would like to think that we are in control of our own lives, sometimes we really are not. How can we not be in control of our lives when we have free will and live in such an individualistic society? There are so many factors that contribute to our fragile mortality, and some of these things are not contingent on our decisions.

For me, this realization came with some major events that has happened in the last few months. A few months ago, one of the members at the church I attend and am a member of passed away suddenly when she was hit by a car in a freak accident on her way to work. Though I was not close to her, I was highly affected by her death because I am extremely attached to the people of the church. They have become my second family.

My father has been diagnosed with stage four tonsil cancer. Cause: unknown. Treatment: intense chemotherapy and radiation. Side affects: weakness, loss of hair, regurgitation, malnutrition, dehydration,  desperation, depression, anxiety, strained relationships...

My girlfriend of almost a year had gone missing since February 15th 2011. Her body was found on March 31st, 2011. One moment she was here, the next she was gone.

I might loss my career due to the opinions of others...I was denied a coop most likely due to age discrimination....

There is just a lot of loss in my life and a lot of stressors. All these remind me how vulnerable we all actually are. Though our lives' journey is affected by the decisions we make, there are some things that actually happen to us outside of our control. But as someone really wise once said, the only thing we have control over is our reaction.

Okay, so here I am in the midst of so much pain, sorrow, and loss. What am I going to do? I know that I have to move on. Most people know that they have to keep on living regardless of what is going on around them. What I don't want to fall into is living life aimlessly, floating by and going only where the waves take me. I think a lot of people fall into this way of living; making themselves numb and reacting by not reacting.

Being Rated

Another day in the DOE...I love how we live in a democratic country, yet, at the work place, especially the DOE there is nothing democratic about it. The officials have the final say in everything and have full control of people's lives and careers. (Hmmm, I guess the saying is true - school is just a micro replica of society.) Anyways...I was observed last week by my principal. (My lesson plan was four pages long with footnotes after being spoken to like an idiot). the result was that I still would get a U-rating after all. (Unsatisfactory) The whole year felt like nothing I did was ever good enough for these people. I'm the ugly stepchild up in there.

Seriously...ef this!!!

Sometimes when I'm in class...

I really just would rather throw myself down the stairs

 

Seriously, there are other things I'd rather do. Thank God for the opportunity to get an education, but I really just want to DO something other than talk about theory; do the praxis!

My own Response to my former post

Loving yourself

Beauty is Skin Deep

Growing up was marked with body image issues. It followed me all the way to college. I didn't feel comfortable with my body. But then I began to work on my self esteem and I began to like myself more and more. But that changed again. About a year and a half ago I was in a car accident that left me with torn cartilages in my left wrist, four herniated disks, and several broken bones in my right foot. I needed two surgery to fix my foot. I still do not have full mobility in my foot but I am much better now.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I gained a lot of weight. About 35 pounds in fact. I was also differently abled. I was on crutches and in surgical boots for about nine months. I couldn't walk very well which caused the weight gain. I once again began to feel ashamed and embarrassed of my body. I didn't want anyone to see me and I avoided social situations.

I worked all summer to get the weight off. I got most of it off but still struggle body image issues. But in hindsight, there is so much I can say about my body. I am actually amazed at how well my body has recovered from such an ordeal. I am amazed at the transformation it has undertaken from the accident to now. The body really is an amazing apparatus that is under appreciated and put under way too much scrutiny. So here is to celebrating our bodies and the perfection of being who we are!!!!

What I want to be when I grow up

When I was little I had decided that I was going to be nun. It was a decision I made because I was desperate to get out. But at that age I wasn't sure how to explain what I was running away from or to. Now that I'm older, I know what that is. I want to be gay. I want to live a life free of gender roles. I want to live a life free of what society expects of me as a womin. Well, now that I know that, I no longer want to be a nun. (Thank goodness because I am not Catholic. I have no idea how well that would have gone for me.)

Moral of the story: people just want to be themselves.

Elementary Testing

"Little fingers writing
          little brains racing
Nausea, exhaustion, anxiety
Students are exploited
Under the system of our
academic sweatshop"


This was a short poem I wrote yesterday while the children were taking some acuity exam. They were in testing the whole day. What is this nation turning into when all that is worried about is test scores and data? I really wonder, when does actual teaching take place?